What's wrong with me?

[amalthia]

I'm depressed. there is no way around it. I think i've been in denial about this for weeks now. tonight while walking back to the town library, after checking out more books I'll have no interest in reading, I realized that I'm really lonely and I feel like something is missing in me and I don't know how to find what it is i'm missing.

I can't keep telling myself that I'm sick and that's why I'm feeling bad, this has been something bothering me for over two weeks now. for the last two nights, i sat at my computer and stared at teh screen not knowing what to do with myself. Maybe I have too much time on my hands.

I wonder if I'm wasting my life or missing out on something better but I don't know how to change or what to change. I feel like i'm mentally gutted.

The funny thing is I used to make fun of people who were so depressed they couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't understand why anyone would get so down they can't even get out of bed and take a shower. (I'm not there yet) But I'm beginning to feel like life is hopeless and joyless.

I'm hoping that by going to the movies tomorrow and seeing a comedy my outlook on life will brighten.

My grandmother told me something over spring break that shocked me. She said I was turning into a bitter old woman at 23. I guess to some extent she is right, I look at people and instead of seeing possible goodness and hope. I see future child abusers, killers, rapists, people set out to hurt others maliciously. I try hard to get rid of these thoughts, but it's getting the point where I don't want to date a guy because i'm afraid if we broke up he'd try killing me. it's happened before, and it'll happen again.

How can I ever fall in love with someone when I'm afraid he'll kill me someday on purpose?

Tonight I saw my future spread out in front of me and it was bleak and lonely, my only comforts books, tv shows, and my family and hopefully some close friends. (is this what life is about for everyone, and I'm just expecting more than what is possible?)

I want to change my life, I want something to happen to change who I am and how I see people. Hopefully for the better. but I realize no one is going to come along and drag me out of my self-exile.

Till I figure out what i'm going to do to try and make myself happier, I'll keep thinkin of the positive things in my life.

Comments

aw, cheer up luv *hugs*

[yami-chan.livejournal.com]

I think you may still be affected by what happened when you were a child that’s why you see everyone as a future delinquent. It’s probably a good thing though; it’ll make you more cautious about whom you are with. But you have to remember that not everyone is going to kill, though it is a possibility and to tell you the truth it’s one of the reason I don’t want to date either. I’m afraid s/he’ll kill me if I broke up with ‘em. It’s a frightening thought but everyone faces so you shouldn’t let it dictate your whole life. But hell why must you look for a lover anyway? Relationships are overrated especially in a time when the divorce rate is so high and artificial insemination is such a good option. ^^; Family and friends is probably the best way to go in my opinion. I’m probably about as jaded as you are. You should talk to someone optimistic too. ^^

Anyway, you’re naturally kind of a loner and I think that’s just making you feel lonely since you may not have as many friends/go out to as many places as most people. Remember when I told you to just go out and do something, well I think that’s a good idea. Going out and trying to do something you haven’t done will not only get you out of any rut you may have fallen into (those depress people too) but will get you out there to meet new people which will help with the lonliness feelings.

And maybe the reason you don’t feel like reading those books is just because you don’t feel like reading. It maybe a good idea just not to read for a while. Make yourself miss reading. ^^

Re: aw, cheer up luv *hugs*

[amalthia]

thanks for the cheer up message. I think you have some valid points. :)

Big hugs
Sharon