It's one of those weeks...

[amalthia]

I can tell I'm going to start my period in a day or two because I'm kind of down on myself tonight in a way that's only normal for about two times a month and related to hormones. Except this time I'm a bit down because of my weight.


Two years ago when I moved from Texas to Alaska I weighed about 120-125...and I thought at that time I needed to get down to 118...I stepped on the scale today and I'm now at 149 pounds. I'm wondering when did this happen???

Though to be honest, when I first got here I was kind of depressed...and then it's cold all the time so I felt like hibernating and not taking off any clothes to change into exercise clothes. (our house is at 60-65 degrees all winter) So that's one of the main reasons I felt less inclined to exercise (that and treadmills...not so fun) but even with my semi-moderate activity I don't think it's enough. I'm now 30 years old and I guess I've been eating like I'm still 20 except now my body isn't as forgiving and I'm not living on campus where I walk everywhere. (My campus was on top of a hill so lots of stairs!)

I think ultimately it's my lifestyle. I sit at a computer 40 hours a week (unless there is a lot of copying then it's maybe 30 hours a week) I come home and kind of do more computer stuff. (though since December I've been using the downstairs gym at work M-W-F except I sort of slack off from time to time when school gets busy) Then on the weekends I spend most of my day in the library. I could say carrying all those books to the table surely will build some muscle and burn calories but it's not enough to counteract the 4-5 hours at my laptop typing up these damned information evaluations.

So for tonight I'm just going to blame turning 30, grad school, working 40 hours a week, and Alaska for me gaining about 30 pounds in two years. (That and ice cream and cheese cake, and my intense love of pastas)

This is what happened to my grandmother, she got depressed and had an illness in her 30's that made it impossible for her to move for a long time and after she gained weight was never able to lose it, got diabetes and her life has been very tough and painful since then. My grandmother's always been the one to encourage me to stay active, eat healthy, and not end up like her.

I try to listen to my grandmother's advice because well she's right diabetes runs in our family and if I don't want to spend decades treating an illness I gotta stay on the ball here.

It's just weird because I remember when I was in college (living on campus, with a state-of-the art gym, only working 18 hours and taking 15 hours of classes) I could not imagine how ANYONE could just not have energy to exercise or be active. Well after working two years at a job 40 hours a week, that I pretty much hate, feel brain dead from doing, and not having much free time from grad school....I feel like kicking my younger self! It's hard staying active! especially in colder climates, and working full time.

In four months, we plan on going to Texas on vacation to visit my family and I can already hear everyone commenting on how much grey hair I now I have and how much bigger I am. Though I still think I have curves and look cute, I just don't like stretch marks and my favorite bathing suit barely fits. :(

So my goal for the next month is to go back to my 1 time a week ice cream night (not the three or four I'd fallen into), not skip my M-W-F gym time, start using our home treadmill again on the weekends(about two months ago I seriously injured my foot walking on it. I concluded that maybe my old shoes had lost their support because once I stopped limping and tried to walk again on the treadmill the pain came back. I now have new walking shoes...so I'll see how that goes. There is no way I'm walking outside in 20-30 degree weather for exercise so being able to use our treadmill is really important to me.) I may also have to step up my exercise regiment.

Basically, life is okay but there are times I'm disappointed with where I'm at which is weird because I have material comforts and don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, but when I was a kid I imagined life being more fun than this. Is this normal for adults??? I imagine I'm doing something wrong that needs to change if I'm hardly ever happy. Though don't get me wrong I do have joys in my life and I cherish them but I'm thinking if this is it, then I can see why people commit suicide in their late 30s and 40s....

Comments

[blnchflr]

I'm continually struggling to 1) get in shape, 2) stop eating quite so much candy. Deep down I recognize it's likely I never will get fit/stop eating quite so much candy.

But I'm also at a point where I can see the positive in while continually struggling, at least I'm not completely out of shape/eating even more way too much candy. And being positive about that (so maybe I only ran once in the past two weeks, but it's better than not running ever!) actually makes it easier for me to keep at getting in shape. If that makes sense.

(And if I'm still struggling with the candy, at least I'm burning calories when running, shush.)

In short, "every little helps" works very well for me - much better than goals.

[amalthia]

My biggest weakness is my sedentary lifestyle and ice cream, cheesecake, and popcorn. I love eating good food!

I also try to stay upbeat about what exercise I do manage to fit in during the week. I think hurting my foot for that month was a bit of a setback, though I still used the exercise bike.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to do weight lifting to truly see results. Having good cardio isn't enough to lose weight. (I used to be able to run 4 miles in 30 minutes and I never lost a pound!) I started doing weight training and the cardio and I lost 15 pounds in 3 months. But I should add that at the time I was also working at a boyscout camp and eating their food...so I was kind of on a boyscout summer camp diet and working on a climbing tower. I was very active that summer. And once I'd lost the weight just living on campus and walking up all the damned steps kept it off no matter what I ate.

Now it's a struggle to fit in basic walking into my life.

Hugs and good luck on this. It's certainly not easy.

[blnchflr]

Running works the best for weight-loss of the exercise types I've tried - I haven't tried weights, though, and just the thought makes me want to bang my head against to wall: what little I've done was boring and too hard, since I have no muscles. Which means, obviously, I ought to lift weights, but yeah, if that was my goal, I'd never-ever exercise, I hate the thought alone so much.

I used to be able to run 4 miles in 30 minutes
You were in better shape than I'll ever be!

[amalthia]

truly, exercising is the boringest thing ever! In our old apartment my computer was right next to the treadmill so it was easier to get a good playlist of exercise music going and that helped!

I think my favorite exercise is walking or the stationary bike. On the bike I can read and walking... doesn't hurt my knees or anything weird. It's safe to do without glasses. (especially on a treadmill)

I read Christian Bale hates exerciseing and he said in an interview that he feels like he loses IQ points for every hour in the gym. (apparently he had to spend 3 hours in the gym for months every day to get ready for the Dark Knight/Batman Begins) I feel for him...

[blnchflr]

Walking is awesome, and really good for my knees, too - unfortunately it doesn't lose me weight, the way running the same amount of time per week does; I'd have to walk a lot more for it to have the same effect and, ok, walking isn't that awesome :oD

[amalthia]

I used to run on an indoor track and that felt safe. Running on a treadmill scares me and I can't run outside because just no...there are moose and bears where I live. I don't fancy ending up on the news as the girl that got mauled by a bear.

I try walking 45 minutes at a fast pace. It's good for keeping from gaining weight but not great for weight loss.

[blnchflr]

I tried a treadmill for the first time last summer, and I sucked at it - it felt terribly wobbly! And I do like the fresh air, nature, etc.

The most dangerous animal in Denmark is humans, and after that angry bulls, so generally running outside is very safe. I'd run outside in Alaska, too, though (I have lived in placed with more dangerous wildlife than in Denmark, such as Greenland and the northern Midwest), because I'm just not that worried about wildlife. Instead, I really don't like walking through town evenings Friday & Saturday when rowdy people roam the streets - I'm much more scared of them :o)

[amalthia]

generally speaking it's the same in Anchorage. :) I think only two people have been killed this year by wolves/bears/moose. but more have been killed by humans.

[blnchflr]

If I didn't come across right: I think you're missing out by not going outside, but I can relate to the worry, since I have that worry with walking past drunk people :o)

(But being out in nature is also tons more rewarding than being near drunk people - you really should give it a go!)

[amalthia]

I plan on it this summer when it's warmer. :) Well warmer for Anchorage.

[fayance]

I feel you, sigh; heck, I'm gonna be 48 in June and I look around me some days and wonder WTF? Like, how did I end up where I am right now, and how do I motivate myself to start ANYTHING anew at my age now? I've fallen into a SERIOUS case of apathy, sigh. Two years ago this tumor on my thyroid ballooned me from 156 lbs, already overweight, to 197 lbs now; I feel like a whale, and even with the growth supposedly eradicated by radioactive means (I have to have it rechecked every 6 mths in case it comes back), I still haven't lost the weight. It's like I became so depressed and demoralized I just stopped caring at all about my appearance and food became my one major source of comfort and solace. Now I'm paying daily for that and can't do even the easiest exercises without feeling like I'm gonna die, sigh. I need to work past that, slowly build my endurance and strength so I CAN work out again and also get control of my eating habits. Easier said than done for me, since for me eating is not just a physical necessity but has become this emotional crutch or addiction, ugh. When my ex left me over a decade ago, I had three small kids and had just started back to college full time; I hung in on my own and managed to graduate with a BA degree and teaching certification and felt proud that I had done that and like now I was gonna be able to support my kids and move on in life. But it hasn't worked out that way, and that depresses me, too. My middle child has a birth defect as well as autism, a few years ago she had a mild stroke and got diagnosed with diabetes; her early childhood seizure disorder returned and over the past 3 years she's had some really scary grand mal seizures, and then she started having trouble with her feet due to her diabetes and had to have surgery. Recently she began having more and more trouble walking and would scream in pain just moving any part of her body, so it was another exhaustive series of MRI's, x-rays, blood work, etc. and we were told she has a spinal disease now and also probably has one of the more degenerative forms of osteo-arthritis. She goes back to her new specialist next week to find out, she just had a ton of blood work last week to try to find a diagnosis. She is 22 but functions socially/emotionally like a 5-6 year old child; she needs help in the shower, dressing, brushing her teeth, etc. Due to her birth defect she has no ovaries and never 'matured' normally and never had periods, etc. Her birth defect has affected her kidneys, her vision, her hearing, her bones, etc. So, as her condition has worsened over the years, I had to leave full time teaching to better care for her, and I work now at a church child development center, teaching prek 5 hrs a day. I earn only a fourth what I used to make, no benefits or sick days at all, no health insurance...thank God she's on medicaid and my ex has her on his insurance; the least he can do, since he's never had one thing to do with her since he left when she was 5. But anyway, LONG story short, caring for her these 22 years and living pretty much in poverty the last 10 has really worn me down; then when I got sick, too, I just felt like what is the point of trying to fool myself I'm ever gonna have anything different or more? I drive a falling apart 15 yr old car, my house is thank God paid for but falling down around me and I can't afford repairs on it; I have a younger daughter away in college and miss her and worry about her safety and so on and feel bad that her dad, my ex, has to pay for all her schooling that her scholarships don't cover because I myself don't have a cent to give her. She's a junior now, majoring in electrical engineering, and doing great, but I wish I wasn't such a financial failure and could do more for her. My oldest, my son, is 26 and had a complete mental breakdown two years ago and had to be institutionalized for awhile; he was suicidal and hallucinating, etc and was diagnosed with acute panic disorder among other depressing things. So that was stressful, too, and I felt like a failure for not being able to help him more, or like it was MY fault he had this bipolar problem. He's doing much better now since he discovered and converted to Buddhism, and he's moved back home with me to help me take care of his autistic sister; I lost her part time caregiver and can't afford another, and he watches her and stays with her while I work all morning. Then he delivers pizzas at night to try to help our income a bit. So I appreciate his help and am so thankful he's found a source of being calmer and more centered and stable with his buddhist studies and meditations, etc. He's not even on any meds now and is doing well.

But I think back to the dreams of life I had at 18, 22, 25, etc. and none of them was THIS, how I'm actually living now. So I get depressed and just exhausted because caring for Marissa IS exhausting; she is on so many meds, needs her blood sugar and blood pressure checked daily, needs help walking and getting up and down steps and in or out of the tub and bed and car, she shrieks in pain all night sometimes even on her night meds and I sometimes have to get up every 90 minutes all night to turn her in bed cause her bones and joints hurt so and even the sheet is too painful on her hip joints sometimes touching her; then I have to get up after a long night of up-and-down from my room to hers and chase 22 exuberant, rowdy 4 year olds for five hours. So I come home and I go online and sit on my fat butt and EAT, sigh. And I KNOW I need to change my ways drastically and find something good for ME, something to re-energize and reinvent myself, but I mostly just feel too TIRED to care all that much these days.

So, I'm sorry to ramble on so, and I just wanted to I guess urge you to NOT fall too deeply into inertia, to get back into doing the things that used to make you feel better about yourself and find NEW things to raise your interest level in life. I used to LOVE writing, I wrote poems, fanfics, original fics, journals, etc and that led to me being involved with other people online or in local writing groups, book clubs, etc. But all my creativity seemed to dry up completely when I got sick, and I mourn that loss and wish I could just start writing again, as that always made me happy. I feel like a loser for not teaching full time and making more money and 'professional' use of my education than I do; sure, I tell myself these 4 yr olds need me as much as any kids in public school do and I am a teacher no matter WHERE I teach; but to OTHERS in my profession I am no longer considered a professional cause I don't earn what they do and I miss out on a lot of the newer training, etc. I am seen as little more than a daycare worker, as if there's anything wrong with that, either!, but it rankles sometimes when I get around former fellow teachers and they suddenly treat me like I'm some loser who just couldn't get a 'real' teaching job or they talk down to me, saying stuff like, "Oh, it must be nice, playing with little kids all morning" or "I wish I only had to work a few hours a day; my class load is just killing me" but they say it in a smug, satisfied way that makes me grit my teeth. I know I'm doing the best I can to even work at all and still take care of my daughter and get her to all her drs and therapies and so on; but I get so angry with myself for allowing others to make me feel bad about my life and what I do. So my only advice is one my son talks about in his Buddhist studies--follow your bliss. And by that he doesn't mean just focusing on outward or material things or appearances but in paying heed to your deepest inner longings and the call of your soul to follow what it wills and needs; that is the start on the Four Fold Path away from suffering. I was raised in Christian faith, but I love so much that Buddhism offers as well, and lately I am trying to relearn who I am, to become re-aquainted with the me I lost somewhere in all these years of caregiving and exhaustion. I know I sound like I'm bitter about taking care of my child but I'm not; I am seeing now that it has been a high, almost holy HONOR to care for her and maybe THE penultimate learning/growing event of my life. But it IS often hard and thankless and does tend to leave one financially penniless and frustrated, as well as my heart just sorrowing daily sometimes for all the suffering my daughter has to go through in her life. But I am trying to take my life and be glad for it and drop all these bits of heavy baggage that keep me from real peace, you know? And I know once food stops becoming the be-all, end-all of my existence (well, food and BOOKS, I read like a crazy thing all the time, ha), then I will know I am releasing a lot of CRAP inside myself that I don't need. I wish the same for you, that you will follow your bliss, whatever it might be. And discovering it is part of the adventure, I warrant!

[amalthia]

Wish I could go over there and hug you. I'm amazed when I read stories like yours and what you've given up to be a mother to your middle daughter. My oldest brother was born with a birth defect and he's now legally blind and deaf and if it weren't for my dad being military I'm not sure my brother would be alive today because his medical bills easily ran up into the millions. However, he's alive and doing mostly all right living with my mom and dad and he's able to get around on his own. He's on social security and has medical coverage through the military for life, so in that sense he's lucky. He just can't drive and no one will hire him because of how he looks and he had some learning disabilities from when his brain continued to grow into his skull. The doctors had to constantly go in and take out pieces of his skull since it was in one piece when he was born, he had to wear a helmet for a year when he was 7 because if he'd fallen and hit that part of his head he'd have been killed because he had nothing there to protect his brain.

This experience is different from yours. What you're going through would try anyone and I think your other daughter understands that her sister needs much more help. I never begrudged the time and effort my parents put into my oldest to do what's best for him. My other sister and brother also expressed similar sentiments. My sister, brother, and I have already discussed what to do when our parents are too old to care for my oldest brother and we've made sure we all got places that had extra room so if he needed to he could come live with us. But I don't think we'd have to worry about this for a while yet. My parents had us when they were teenagers. So they are still relatively young.

As for the profession front...I feel your pain. I'm an document production assistant/marketing assistant/creative services assistant and I do have a college degree and people talk down to me and assume I'm in high school. (I think they might be blind because I do have grey hairs!) It's not easy putting all that time and effort into a degree and it not being enough. Though I am in grad school with the hope that this will help me find a higher paying job. The only reason I'm doing okay is my husband is an engineer. But on my own...I could never afford my current lifestyle and that bothers me a lot. Probably more so than how people treat me at work or view me.

Do people at work know you're the full time caretaker for a special needs disabled daughter? Because I'd like to think they'd understand that you can't work a full time job and also take care of your daughter. It's also very very expensive to get help from outside sources.

My friend had a bad heart condition and when she came home from the hospital to die their insurance covered most of the cost of the hospice nurse? that came to their house daily to help her, but she told me they still had to pay a percentage. They could not have afforded it if her husband didn't have a job that paid what it did and had saved money for years. And she did need help to get around because at the end she barely had the strength to walk or clean herself and etc...Her husband was exhausted too because he helped after work and the hospice care would only come for an hour or two and help out but that didn't cover the rest of the hours.

They say one of the most stressful events in life is being a caretaker for someone who is ill and depression isn't uncommon. It sounds like you have a limited support structure to help out too which makes it worse.

Hugs and I hope the doctors find someway to help your daughter I hate to think of anyone in pain like that. :(

[fayance]

Thank you for sharing your family's story with me, it was a blessing and an honor to hear it. And I appreciate your taking the time to write back to me! Yes, it can be stressful, as you and your family know so well, and the closer I get to menopause, ouch, the less steady and stable my emotions seem to be. I'm also battling Grave's Disease, I've had one dose of radioactive iodine rather than surgical removal of my thyroid because I have no insurance and the iodine treatment was much cheaper than surgery; but now the darned thing might be trying to resurrect itself like some kind of mutant Godzilla, as I'm having symptoms again. I go to my dr in the morn for a recheck and I hope things are good on that front, as I just can't afford either financially or emotionally/physically to be sick again. I need almost all my energy to take care of her and to work a bit. My daughter is on two waiting lists for medicaid paid providers, but each list is still 2 years' waiting period, plus we've had trouble in the past with this type of care provider and I just feel reluctant to deal with that again and to leave Marissa with someone I don't really know well. Right now my son watches after her while I work and then he works nights while I'm home with her; but I always worry about the future when I get too old to work or to care for her, sigh. I know my other two kids would try to see that she is taken care of, but I don't think they personally could take her on full time to live with either one of them. My ex, her dad, would just put her in a 'home' or institution of some sort, I fear, if anything happened to me. So yeah, I worry about things like that. But I just have to take it one day at a time. My sis just let me know that Mom's oncologist told her the chemo isn't working, my mom is 75 and has multiple myeloma, she had a bone marrow transplant about 6 or 7 years ago and went into remission but now the cancer is back and much more aggressive this time. So they've tried numerous meds and have now fallen back on chemo but it was sort of their last effort and it doesn't seem to be working, either; so I have felt very sad and weepy for my mom and guilty because I can't run up to see her (she lives a 3 hour drive from me, but my old jalopy can't even make it that far) or do things for her; I can only call and write for now, so that is another big stress at this time and I find myself still in this weird denial that my mom could die before the end of this year. Even knowing that she's battled this cancer for a decade and it was likely eventually bound to return, I just am struggling with maybe losing her; causing me all sorts of mental and emotional schisms right now, sigh. So I tend to just ramble on and on like I'm doing right this second, and I apologize for that! Just know that your kind words and your family story have meant a lot to me.

[amalthia]

Hugs and hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

[calystarose]

*hugs* You also may have seasonal affective disorder, which would be exacerbated by being up north.

Mostly I think you're just going through a lot of changes and that takes time to bounce back from. *hugs*

[amalthia]

I will not discount this possibility. Last year around this time I got irritated quite a bit and wasn't very happy either...which is weird because the sun doesn't set until 10pm now...

[gnomad]

Basically, life is okay but there are times I'm disappointed with where I'm at which is weird because I have material comforts and don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, but when I was a kid I imagined life being more fun than this. Is this normal for adults??? I imagine I'm doing something wrong that needs to change if I'm hardly ever happy. Though don't get me wrong I do have joys in my life and I cherish them but I'm thinking if this is it, then I can see why people commit suicide in their late 30s and 40s....

It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who wonders about these things. Right now I'm chalking it up to the obligatory mid-twenties suckage. I'm told by those who should know, that eventually it stops sucking, you find some purpose (or the pretense of purpose) and things get better. I'm waiting patiently for the getting better bit.

WRT the exercise, what about cross country skiing? Twenty to 30 degree weather is an excellent range for it and I imagine you have a longer season than most.

[amalthia]

I think what's most disappointing is that since I graduated from college in 2003 it's been a constant struggle to find work that's meaningful. I've kind of gave up on that front and would settle for something that paid more but I keep finding jobs that technically do not require a college degree (but I have the feeling that the only reason I got it is because of my college degree) it's a weird dichotomy. So I've been doing jobs where people talk down to me and treat me like I'm stupid and I have no authority and am at the whim of anyone in the office to give orders to.

Though to be fair I probably should have majored in something not Criminal Justice but at the time there were jobs in Probation, parole, and I had thought to work for the state. Except I graduated during a recession and it just hasn't worked out like that.

Now as for cross country skiing...I've tried it and it's scary! I fell down and couldn't get up and hurt my knee and it was kind of boring actually. Not to mention cold. I grew up in Texas my idea of good exercise is to go swimming at the lake or in the river, or play tennis. I'm a-okay with going for walks in 85-90 degree weather. When it got down to 50 degrees I'd refuse to leave the house until it got warmer.

[blnchflr]

I love cross-country skiiing, and I suck at it! It's one of those few things that amuses me even though I suck at it! But I also don't mind the cold - I'm much worse about running in heat: Last May I ran (i.e. ran/walked) a 10K in hot-for-Denmark-in-May weather, and I kept having to stop and walk, because I was convinced I was about to keel over from heatstroke, *rolls eyes a bit at self* :oD

[amalthia]

For some reason I'm getting the feeling you grew up in the north! :) hehe

[garryowen]

I hear ya on a lot of this. I can't even imagine moving to Alaska. It's so hard to get outdoors in the cold.

Do you like dogs? I swear to god, if you get a dog, you will lose weight, and get a great friend at the same time. It has worked for three of my friends. Mental & physical health improvement in one furry package!

[amalthia]

hehe, as it happens to be I do love dogs. :) we just haven't gotten one because we don't have a yard.

[garryowen]

I hear ya. I had a dog in an apartment, but he was a pug. Not exactly a marathon walker, but he was a lovebug.

[amalthia]

I kind of want a shih-tzu he/she would be great company for the cats! :) But my husband things shih-tzus are horribly ugly. :( Instead he wants a dog the size of a small pony...I'm not too thrilled with huge dogs myself due to a dog attack as a kid. Though to be fair at 7 years old most dogs look huge.

[garryowen]

I love those ugly dogs! Maybe you two can find a compromise. A boxer! My cats really loved the dog. They love when we take care of my friend's dog, who's a sort of retriever. Aw, doggies!

[amalthia]

my parents have a shih-tzu and he's so cute! I love the fur/hair and that he's not too big. Though would not mind a golden retriever type of dog. :) This dog would have be able to make it outside in very cold weather during the winters.

I also like Alaskan malamutes.