Real life: Social anxiety at work

[amalthia]

Okay this is my first post about my life that I've made in a while. I'm making this post in hopes that maybe someone would have advice on how to overcome what I'm going through, or if not that, at least writing out the problem may help me clarify what I'm feeling/thinking.

Here is the lowdown: When I have conversations with people at work about non-work related stuff which happens from time to time, even for a cataloger, I become anxious and second guess the entire conversation within minutes after the conversation ends. It's always worse when I'm tired from sleeping poorly so I know I need to sleep well to mitigate these effects.

I'm just not sure when this started? I think at some point I must have internalized that my real personality is horrible and I have to hide it at all costs, especially at work, and when I slip up I go into hyper-worry mode. Or I don't want anyone there to think I'm immature and sometimes scattered brained.

No one has said anything negative about me. In the limited amount of time I've gotten to know my co-workers and people in other departments, I can say that they all seem rather awesome and fun people. Everyone seems to have a healthy sense of humor and are nice. I've also received paperwork that laid out my job duties for the upcoming fiscal year and my yearly review was positive. At the state job I had temporarily (the one that was pretty good but short term) they all said I was a great team player, and got along well with others, and my contributions to the project were above expectations. It's like when things go well I become more anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I feel safe at my current job which is why I'm so puzzled as why I feel anxious after conversations, and it's not just one person that's the causing the anxiety it's everyone I talk to!

I cannot pinpoint the source of my anxiety. Then I feel this overwhelming need to double check with the person to make sure I didn't offend them. Today I stopped myself because I figured if the person leaves with a smile from a conversation (a real smile) then all is probably well. Though to be fair the person did end the conversation kind of quickly and went in another direction. To be fair he was headed in the direction of the bathrooms and we had just been in an meeting that lasted an hour. I know this logically, but emotionally I worry that I had said something wrong and I'll be ostracized like I was at my last work place.

I also don't want people to think I'm insecure so I can't get the reassurance I feel like I need. It's horrible.

I wish I knew how to navigate the world with more confidence or at least go back to how I was in my early twenties in which I gave no fucks as to what people thought about me or what I said in public. Not that I went out of my way to offend people but I don't recall worrying this much. Maybe this is just a result of working for money and needing to please people so I can keep getting paid.

That's it for tonight, I'm going to go and watch Arrow and try to relax.

Comments

[anotherslashfan]

I have this anxiety to a lesser degree as well. For me, it seems to ebb and flow in relation to my general stress level and general state of mind. I believe it's tied into low self esteem (in the sense that you described - that I have to hide the "real" me because for some reason it's not fit for consumption, so to speak).
Sadly, I can't tell you a concrete way to deal with it. I think what usually helps me is sorting out the other things in my life that make me feel insecure and worried; and lots of interaction with people I feel I can be myself with. Talking out all my little worries and annoyances with them...
I don't know if there's a direct way to let go of the need to know what people think of you... but I hope someone on your list has a good idea.

[amalthia]

This sounds like me. It helps to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

The websites I visited all recommend, daily exercise and plenty of hours of sleep. (to be fair I do feel more stable when I'm not sleepy)

I think for summer time I'm going to work on going to bed earlier to make up for not sleeping as well as I do in the winter.

[fayance]

Since I turned 50 last year I have had a sort of identity crisis myself; especially lately I have decided I am not a very good or nice person at all, and mixed in with that is a growing preoccupation with mortality and depression over my increasing health problems. I am at the end of this school year and everyone at work is tired and grumpy, and I find myself thinking unkind or uncharitable thoughts about my coworkers lately and then feel like an ass for it. But geez, two of my three aides don't even bother to show up half the time, leaving the rest of us in the lurch and scrambling to fill their roles, and my boss has said if we don't call in if we're not coming in, that's pretty much a firing situation; but this one aide of mine NEVER calls in sick, she just doesn't show, sometimes for days, yet she never even gets written up, much less fired. If any of us teachers did that we would be fired, but she gets away with it. My main aide's dog, which was like her baby, just died and so she's been out for a week because she has severe depression anyway and now she's in a downward spiral over her dog, and I felt guilty yesterday for being miffed at her for not coming in to work. But I had 19 kids and NO help and we're only allowed to be alone in the room with a maximum of 15 kids, so I was over limit and they had to pull some girl from the baby nursery who knows NOTHING about our schedule or how to deal with 5 year olds. I was at work 3 years ago when they had to put my beloved cat Tigger to sleep (my son was with him at least when he died), and I was devastated and excused myself and went to the ladies' room and bawled like mad for 15 minutes before I could return to class; but I did my job, and I guess I was expecting my aide to do the same. But I had to remind myself that she is not me and that I of all people should know better because I have depression issues and 'mental' issues myself and also increasing anxiety. I castigated myself for being a bad person, which is how it's been with me lately, second-guessing or condemning pretty much everything I've felt or said or thought, sigh. So I hear you, and I wish I had some constructive advice to give. The only thing that's seemed to help me at all is something my son taught me (he's a Buddhist), which is a simple breathing exercise I start up as soon as I feel the self-condemnation or anger or anxiety creeping up on me; when you just stop and BREATHE, in through the nose and out through the mouth slow and steady to a count of 10 or even 20 if you're really stressed, thinking of NOTHING but your breaths, it really does calm you and take the focus off your self-talk and self doubts. Then I just try to put my mind on my duties and tell myself I am a learning soul like everyone else and being here is a great gift from God, the universe, whatever. That does help me a bit. I think most of my issues are wrapped up with menopause symptoms and midife crisis, sigh. I hope you find answers and realize that you ARE a good person and well liked and don't need to second guess yourself or what everyone is thinking of you.

[amalthia]

I will try the breathing exercise. It sounds like it has merit. :)

[calystarose]

I'm going to second the breathing exercise idea. Just remember to do it slow, you don't want to hyperventilate. :)

I think it's good, also, to get these worries out either by talking to a close friend who will just listen or by writing them out in a private journal or here. When you hold these sorts of worries in, they tend to get magnified.

Are you still doing a lot of physical activity? If not that might help to start up again.

If there's anyone at work your particularly close to, you might be able to broach this subject (minimized to not sound so intense) with them. Say something like, "sometimes I worry that I'm coming across weird and it stresses me out a little." They might be able to give you a fresh perspective.

[delibby]

I especially like that last bit.

Something that's helped me relax more at work has been a couple of staff changes. Five years ago we got a new director, she's got a fannish sense. She's a Ren Faire person, her doll group meets in the library meeting room, she and her husband see a lot of movies. I can be a little more open, that yes I'm fannish and I know that's not going to be looked at as freaky weird and all.

Two years ago, we hired someone to be the IT department as well as work reference desk, and teaching computer classes, and doing the web page, and all that kind of thing. She's really into video games. Again, that's a different type of fannishness, but it's still fannishness. I'm still not rambling on about the latest hot Wincest story I read or anything, because no. But I can say I'm going to a fan con, saw a movie with devilc and we spent X amount of time analyzing character development of dinner. These aren't strange, foreign concepts. That's really cool.

My boss and I were talking about something a while back, I don't remember what. And the conversation went to the way libraries are different from most other places. With libraries, when something good happens to someone else, another library gets a bond past voters, a department gets great turn out for a program, whatever, we tend to cheer and say congratulations and REALLY MEAN IT. That someone does good that helps all of us. We want each other to do well. Yes, vast overgeneralization, but I think it fits. And it might be something to keep in mind. When you're getting good evaluations, it's not just that you're doing well, it's that they want you to do well and if you weren't they tell you what you need to do to fix it. They're telling you that you're doing good, they mean it.

And of course, *pffft handwave* ignore it is easy to say, and OMG so hard to do. I read all the other comments, here and on LJ and I think you've gotten some good advice. You're sweet and nice and gash darn it people like you! (Are you too young for that?)

[amalthia]

I'm glad I'm able to talk with my boss and co-workers it makes a huge difference! :) So far no one is really fannish but that's okay I also like out door stuff and food is a safe topic. :)

So far I have to say working at a library has been my best work experience and that's probably why I'm anxious about losing it through some carelessness on my part. Or by not working hard enough.

[amalthia]

I'm still staying active. I think the bad sleep is maybe the main issue right now.

I like your idea of asking someone at work and I may just use the sentence you suggested. Or something close enough.

[calystarose]

Well yes, sleep is super important. :) Not getting enough, or enough restful, sleep will fuck you right up.

[elf]

Relevant keywords: Imposter syndrome, workplace anxiety, vicious because the stakes are so small.

Stomp that down, fast and hard, because office environments nurture insecurities and rely on a large number of people who gradually allow "what my coworkers think of me" to become more important than "doing the work I was hired to do."

You are awesome. You are likeable and competent and talented and creative. Absolutely do not let an office environment convince you otherwise. If you start to worry, tell yourself, "elf says I'm awesome, and she's a priestess and witch and has been involved in geek communities longer than I've been alive; she knows from awesome."

Make sure you get regular, substantial contact with people who *are not involved* in the corporate rat-race games. Make sure you have feedback for your talents that don't attach to an office paycheck. Offices are toxic social environments; the hierarchies have nothing to do with skill, talent or basic human decency, and spending too much time focusing on how to work them warps the psyche. This happens even if you're just "being friendly"--what counts as friendly in an office is not what friends are like outside of it, and the constant low-level awareness that at any moment, it could all come crashing down, eats at your soul. Being logically aware that your job is "safe" doesn't matter, because you know that logic is not what keeps a job safe.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.” ― Bertrand Russell

And it often starts with the belief that one's co-workers personal approval is terribly important. You can't let them *matter* to you. You can try to enjoy their company; you can try not to be a burden on their day; you need to pull back from making that personally important, rather than "an efficient way to get through the workday."

[amalthia]

Good points! I'll check out the links and try not to let the work place culture suck me in.

[devilc]

I'm going to take a different tack in addressing this.

Have you ever worked in a place where backhand compliments and backstabbing were the norm? A place where you had to be hypervigiliant?

Because, if the answer was yes, then that could well explain why you are feeling this way. That kind of place gets hooks deep into you and the survival skills you learned there take awhile to retrain out of your system.

So, in addition to the other advice you've been given, I'd suggest making a list of the reasons your current work place isn't a toxic one and revisiting it from time to time.

[amalthia]

The backstabbing was normal and being shunned. Plus no one would tell me if I was doing something wrong. I just felt like no one liked me and I didn't fit in. It was rather awful. I like your idea of making a list of how my current place is not at all like the previous job.

But I sometimes think if I hated this job I wouldn't be so anxious about losing it. Plus I do have some bad habits like reading the news online for about an hour (sometimes longer) of the work day...I use leechblock to help curb this impulse. I've found that if I'm going to goof off I'm better off doing it all at once and then when I'm working I work. Going back and forth is great way to kill productivity. Honestly, out of a 8 hour work day I think I get in about 5-6 hours of real work and I'm not sure if that's okay and I'm getting zero feedback from anyone. It's odd. I guess I'm used to everything being measured and always being monitored. That now that I'm not I don't know how to feel.