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amalthiaTonight I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying. It totally sucked and I hate when this happens and I'm not sure why I'm panicking over school. I still have 9 days until my Library Profile is due. I'm making progress on it and I have time but I'm guessing my emotions sometimes overwhelm my logic. I think the straw was that they want PROOF that I visited the library but the assignment didn't say what kind of proof so when I asked what they are looking for I got something like they want to know the layout and etc.... My husband suggested taking pictures of the floor plans at all the fire exits...which I'm thinking isn't a bad idea after all. And this got me on a train of thought where I'd realized until this class I had not stepped foot in a library in over a year and that the job public librarians are doing isn't unnecessarily what I want to do. To be fair I have not taken the 1 hour class that goes over this profession but I know I'd truly hate working at a reference desk or the help desk. So basically, then I realized I don't know why I'm in this class making myself miserable over an assignment I don't want to do in a class I feel no attachment too because I don't know my instructor or any of my classmates for that matter. I'm beginning to realize what I did like about school was attending class and the lectures and being able to interact with my professor and ask questions and learn. Right now I feel like everything I"m doing I could have done on my own and paid a lot less money to do it. So basically, I'm paying some amount of money to teach myself stuff I already know. And that sucks.
I'm not sure if staying in school is such a great idea after all if I'm going to be having such intense unhappy feelings about it. I think what's hard is that I feel like the assignments are busy work and I just don't want to do the work but I know if I don't I'll probably always be an admin assistant/other not very well paid employee and completely dependent on my husband to make the money. I at least want to make half of what he makes.
Also I feel like I'd let down everyone that's encouraged me to get back into school. I know they put these hurdles there to weed out most people who either can't pay for school or are too busy with real life obligations to attend. I always hated running track.
I really should go to bed. I think this last week of not enough sleep has really caught up to me.
I don't normally consider suicide but lately for the last two weeks it's all I've been thinking about. I'm trying to find reasons for why living is worth living but I don't see things changing. And going to work for 40 hours a week coming home to the same old stuff (except now homework...) It's just I'm not seeing the point and I'm not finding happiness in any of the stuff that normally made me happy.
I'm trying very hard to remind myself that winter will end some day...but my husband recently reminded me it could technically snow over summer up here. :( Not that I consider 50-60F summer)
I've been an indoor person for the last ten years, so I don't think being stuck indoors is what's causing my general apathy. I really can't figure it out and that's rather frustrating. And now I gotta get to bed.
I'm not sure if staying in school is such a great idea after all if I'm going to be having such intense unhappy feelings about it. I think what's hard is that I feel like the assignments are busy work and I just don't want to do the work but I know if I don't I'll probably always be an admin assistant/other not very well paid employee and completely dependent on my husband to make the money. I at least want to make half of what he makes.
Also I feel like I'd let down everyone that's encouraged me to get back into school. I know they put these hurdles there to weed out most people who either can't pay for school or are too busy with real life obligations to attend. I always hated running track.
I really should go to bed. I think this last week of not enough sleep has really caught up to me.
I don't normally consider suicide but lately for the last two weeks it's all I've been thinking about. I'm trying to find reasons for why living is worth living but I don't see things changing. And going to work for 40 hours a week coming home to the same old stuff (except now homework...) It's just I'm not seeing the point and I'm not finding happiness in any of the stuff that normally made me happy.
I'm trying very hard to remind myself that winter will end some day...but my husband recently reminded me it could technically snow over summer up here. :( Not that I consider 50-60F summer)
I've been an indoor person for the last ten years, so I don't think being stuck indoors is what's causing my general apathy. I really can't figure it out and that's rather frustrating. And now I gotta get to bed.
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Date: 2009-02-03 04:36 am (UTC)And of course pick up this full spectrum light. I'm desperate I'll try it.
Hugs and thanks for the support.
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Date: 2009-02-05 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-05 06:00 am (UTC)I also hate hearing when my friends are unhappy and there's nothing I can do for them. Truly, the hugs and support helped. It reminded me in a big way that I still have friends and people that care in my life. I didn't think I'd be this homesick for Texas this soon. (though I think I miss my friends more than the humidity of Houston)