Not such a good weekend (general whining ahead)

[amalthia]

Tonight I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying. It totally sucked and I hate when this happens and I'm not sure why I'm panicking over school. I still have 9 days until my Library Profile is due. I'm making progress on it and I have time but I'm guessing my emotions sometimes overwhelm my logic. I think the straw was that they want PROOF that I visited the library but the assignment didn't say what kind of proof so when I asked what they are looking for I got something like they want to know the layout and etc.... My husband suggested taking pictures of the floor plans at all the fire exits...which I'm thinking isn't a bad idea after all. And this got me on a train of thought where I'd realized until this class I had not stepped foot in a library in over a year and that the job public librarians are doing isn't unnecessarily what I want to do. To be fair I have not taken the 1 hour class that goes over this profession but I know I'd truly hate working at a reference desk or the help desk. So basically, then I realized I don't know why I'm in this class making myself miserable over an assignment I don't want to do in a class I feel no attachment too because I don't know my instructor or any of my classmates for that matter. I'm beginning to realize what I did like about school was attending class and the lectures and being able to interact with my professor and ask questions and learn. Right now I feel like everything I"m doing I could have done on my own and paid a lot less money to do it. So basically, I'm paying some amount of money to teach myself stuff I already know. And that sucks.

I'm not sure if staying in school is such a great idea after all if I'm going to be having such intense unhappy feelings about it. I think what's hard is that I feel like the assignments are busy work and I just don't want to do the work but I know if I don't I'll probably always be an admin assistant/other not very well paid employee and completely dependent on my husband to make the money. I at least want to make half of what he makes.

Also I feel like I'd let down everyone that's encouraged me to get back into school. I know they put these hurdles there to weed out most people who either can't pay for school or are too busy with real life obligations to attend. I always hated running track.

I really should go to bed. I think this last week of not enough sleep has really caught up to me.

I don't normally consider suicide but lately for the last two weeks it's all I've been thinking about. I'm trying to find reasons for why living is worth living but I don't see things changing. And going to work for 40 hours a week coming home to the same old stuff (except now homework...) It's just I'm not seeing the point and I'm not finding happiness in any of the stuff that normally made me happy.

I'm trying very hard to remind myself that winter will end some day...but my husband recently reminded me it could technically snow over summer up here. :( Not that I consider 50-60F summer)

I've been an indoor person for the last ten years, so I don't think being stuck indoors is what's causing my general apathy. I really can't figure it out and that's rather frustrating. And now I gotta get to bed.

Comments

[astolat]

Hey -- I know this is quite personal, so please forgive me butting in, but seriously, you need to go to a therapist RIGHT AWAY. Thoughts of suicide like this should not be ignored. Please don't wait. Please make an appointment and go. Your primary care physician should be able to give you a recommendation.

*hugs*

[amalthia]

I'm okay with you butting in and anyone else that comments to this post. I've gotten a lot of useful tips and advice that I really shouldn't ignore including the finding a therapist. I don't have a primary physician in anchorage but I'm thinking I should be able to contact a therapist without a doctor's recommendation, right?

It never occurred to me that the lack of sunlight could actually affect my mood but even in texas when I didn't get much sunlight I was still getting more in 30 minutes than I've gotten in months up here.

Hugs and thanks for caring.

[tarlanx]

January is always a bad month but it's over now so you'll probably start to feel better soon :-) Also, the lack of sleep is probably why you're feelign really down! I'd make that the priority right now!

[amalthia]

Yeah that's my priority this week. Last week between the dogs upstairs and the cats clawing the carpet in front of our doorway...But on Friday I picked up these clear plastic floor mats from Wal-Mart that cost two dollars and placed a whole bunch under our bedroom door and a bit out in the hallway..the cats hate it and it's no fun for them to scratch so that's helped a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do about the dogs upstairs. But yeah I think this week I'm going to shoot for 9 hours of sleep. 7 is really not enough and 8 barely gets me through the day.

And yes we now only have 4 more months of winter.

[aerynvala.livejournal.com]

The lack of sleep is exacerbating your very real and understandable concerns. Sleep really will help, as long as you get a real rest.

You've just made some really, really major changes in your life and that is also going to be amplifying your sensitivity to darker emotions.

Sometimes, it really helps me to hold my kitties. Even if it pisses them off. It makes me feel not so hopeless.

*hugs*

[amalthia]

man, my kitties are totally saving my butt right now. Gray likes to sit on the back of my computer chair when I'm on it and just purr...and then sometimes she likes sitting on my lap. And then last night though Tiger never does this she totally sat next to me while I was watching Iron Man before bed. (I needed a feel good movie to watch last night) I'm not sure what I would do without them. I mean really when I my thoughts get really bad I just try and visualize tom never taking them to get their vaccinations...or him forgetting to clean out their litter box if I'm not around. Seriously, that stuff worries me! I don't even think he'd remember to brush Tiger (who really does need a good brushing at least once a week because according to the vet she is a Maine Coone cat so lots of fur)

hugs back.

[aerynvala.livejournal.com]

Iron Man is a feel good movie for me too! I really do adore it. :D

There have been many a time that love of my cats has been the only thing that's kept me from killing myself. And mine always seem to know, too, when I'm feeling especially shitty. Pets really are so incredible.

And wow, Maine Coone! So Tiger's a big baby? Do you have a camera you can take pictures of them with? It would be wonderful to see your babies. :D

*hugs* Hope you're feeling a little less stressed/overwhelmed today.

[amalthia]

I think I'll have to take some new pictures. I think I may have posted a few to my JF account at some point but I can't recall the url I used.

I'm just glad there is an explanation for Tiger's size. I didn't think I was over feeding the babes and apparently she'll continue to grow until she's 2 years old.

Yeah, the cats do help me when I'm feeling down too.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed but I think once I break down the steps of what I need to do it'll be less whelming...that and once I find a librarian to interview...This interview thing is stressing me out more so than the writing the paper aspect. That and finding proof of my visit to the library.

I need to remind myself that failing school is not the end of the world and the really the worst thing that can happen if I fail the class is that I lose some money and may have to re-take it. it really helps put things in perspective and I think I forgot how to do that because it's been some time since I went to school full time.

Hugs and thanks for listening.

[zillah975]

*hugs you SO TIGHT* I want to echo astolat and say please call your doctor and tell him how you're feeling. Please please. *hugs more and more and more*

[amalthia]

First, I need to find a doctor up here on my insurance plan and see how it goes. I'm not sure if you can just call up therapist and make an appointment without a doctor referrel and I think i've been using that not knowing as an excuse to not do anything which in my case isn't such a good idea considering my past history. It's just I haven't felt like this in years.

[fleshflutter.livejournal.com]

I want to give you some huge hugs and second the suggestion that maybe you should go see someone about how you're feeling. It doesn't have to be this way. *hugs*

[amalthia]

thanks for the hugs and I think I've reached that point where I'm thinking maybe talking to a therapist would help.

[gridlockjoe.livejournal.com]

Please take care of yourself. *big hugs*

Have you thought about Seasonal Affective Disorder? I don't know how long daylight is up there at this time of the year, but you may want to look into SAD to see if it fits what you're feeling.

[amalthia]

I don't think i've been up here long enough to fit the dignosis model yet but considering we're just now getting 6 hour of daylight...though we are quickly gaining more light every day.

I'm taking vitiams and trying to eat fish more often. Which apparently are supposed to help somewhat with the lack of sunlight.

Hugs and thanks for the extra information. I'm going to try going to bed early tonight and hope that helps. I think what's really disrupting things is that in Houston because I didn't have to get to work until 11am but tom had to wake up at 7am I ended up going to bed early enough to get 9-10 hours of sleep and now I don't have that extra help reminding me it's time for bed. Though I did ask him to bug me tonight when it hits 10pm so I get to bed early and don't get distracted.

I don't get how he gets by on 6-7 hours of sleep but I know I turn into a basket case if it goes on long enough.

[wickedwords.livejournal.com]

Hi hon! Like astolat, I think you really need to talk to someone about how you're feeling. The moves have put a lot of strain on you, and you're whole life is uprooted and different; it's no wonder you feel disconnected. Talking to someone might help.

In addition, though, I think you need to put a full spectrum light bulb in by your computer, or a plant light in the bathroom or something. You've had a huge climate shift from Texas to Alaska in a very short time, and you're body isn't physically adjusted to the lack of daylight. I know you're not a plant and it may be the placebo effect, but I found it to help.

[amalthia]

Yeah, I think that's something I'm going to have to do and soon. It's just I kind of fell into this trap thinking it'll be better next week so no point making an appointment but then the next week would come and I didn't feel better but I kept thinking it would get better until meltdown this weekend.

I think tonight I'm going to stop by Wal-Mart and see about getting one of those full spectrum lights. you're not the first to recommend it though it seems odd that a light could help so much but I don't see how it could hurt to try.

And I do think people have plant like traits. :)

[ladyamarra.livejournal.com]

There are always classes who suck, terms who suck even more. I can only suggest to either try and work through the bad times because there must be something at the end of the tunnel you do this for, just try remembering those reasons.

As for the library; isn't there a plan avaiable already? They hand out floor printouts In our university Library to give some orientation to the new students. You can just use those. OR you can do the typical reference crap with "Level 02, reading area, shelf 43, book 43 A772" or that's at least how position refrences work in my profession (art history) and the archives I'm working with.

[amalthia]

Well I think what irked me is they don't come out and say what exactly they want in terms of proof of visit. Or what they want to know about the specific library I've chosen to profile. Maybe I'm supposed to just figure it out but with a portion of my grade on the line I don't like doubts and would just like them to tell me what they are looking for? Because for the most part I don't see why you have to step foot in a physical library to find the answers? However my husband tells me that I'm supposed to figure this out myself because apparently in the real world people who get paid more don't have guidelines or something like that and have to figure it all out themselves. Which I think is kind of jacked up if that's the case. i'd think guidelines are important at every level.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Yes, you do need to get a good night's sleep so you can think clearly. I agree with the others about taking SAD seriously; I just found an interesting article about it:
http://www.alaska.net/~mhaa/factsheets/reprint/reprint2.html

I also found you another article from a November issue of the Anchorage Daily News:
http://www.adn.com/life/story/596852.html

Both articles offer facts and sound advice on dealing with SAD.

It's highly likely your judgment is impaired. You should seek help and get yourself feeling better. There are people that are eager to help you out. Just ask around. Maybe a phone call to a hospital ER might get you a phone number of the right type of therapist or the number of a help line.

Fourteen years ago my brother killed himself. We'll never truly know what happened that night, but I believe it was a combination of depression heightened by the foreclosure of their weekend cabin in the mountains and alcohol. A chemical imbalance in the brain paired with a whim/compulsion and what with the alcohol removing his inhibitions -- and he's gone forever and everyone that loved him is devastated for years.

As for snowing in the summer, don't let that overwhelm you. Think of all that daylight and the riot of life that takes place. We were up there at the end of August in '07 and it was delightful.

I've probably gone on for too long but I want you to know that even though we're just pixels on your computer screen we do like you, value you and care that you're doing okay.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[amalthia]

I'm really sorry about your brother. :(

I'm reading the links you sent and I think I'm going to head on over to the story to get some lamps for my comptuer room at home (which is where I actually spend the most time in the evenings) Though it's getting brighter every day now, I can actually see the mountains now when I drive home which is nice.

I'm also going to look for someone to talk to. It kind of worries me greatly that my thoughts are so negative. I really don't feel like myself and it can't just be school because I didn't feel like this last semester. (though moving in the middle was tough)

And you didn't go on too long at all. I am making an effort to get out once a week and do something social.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

My brother didn't tell anyone he was feeling that way. The cell phone was on the couch next to where he liked to sit and there was a pillow over it...and the "what ifs" drive me crazy. I tell you, the survivors never get over it, they just learn to live with it. I read a lot about grief and depression afterwards; there are physical things happening in depression that are hard to deal with and it's alright to ask for help.

The class sounds annoying and maybe you'll want to change directions or something new will catch your attention because in the big picture? that class is insignificant. The fact that you are overwhelmed by it says something else is affecting you.

You will have to tell us how that box o' light works. It sounds really bright. I kinda like that negative ion generator thing. We went to Yosemite a couple of springs ago and the waterfalls were unbelievable and all the people were giggling and playful. Very energizing. In fact, here are the photos from that trip. It makes me smile just remembering the buzz. :)
http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y98/kelpster/Yosemite/

I'm very glad to hear you're taking some active steps. :)

[amalthia]

Wow the pictures are so beautiful. Thanks for sending them. I'm going to see about adding one as my desktop if that's okay?

the scary thing is I used to wonder why people would go so far...and I couldn't ever see myself thinking that way because really for the most part life has been great for the last 4-5 years. So this last month has been really odd for me.

The good news is I'm enjoying Go way more than I expected and everyone has been really friendly and patient. I'm also tempted to go and get myself a gaming system and dance dance revolution to maybe get more activity in my life maybe hit this in two areas. I read that physical activity can help elevate your mood? I've been slacking off because walking on a treadmill is only fun for so long...

As for school, I had to remind myself what's the worst that can happen? Even if I fail it's not the end of the world and just because I would not be in school from failing does not mean I can't keep learning or teaching myself new stuff because that's what I've been doing already. I think it's just hard to remember this when everything looks dark.

Hugs and again thanks for your words of encouragement. last night I went to bed super early and I think that helped.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

I'm pleased you liked the photos and honored you'd choose one as a desktop image.

I was also quite pleased with some of the photos from last fall's trip to Banff *g* :
http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y98/kelpster/Canadian%20Rockies/

It's good that you can tell these feelings aren't right for you. And they say exercise is great (I just never want to do it though!) Making it fun exercise is the clever way to go. I hope you are feeling better today than a few days ago.

School. You are capable of great enthusiasm as I've seen with your contributions to fandom. If this class is a drag, that says a lot. It's just not your cup of tea. And that's okay because there's a world of things to explore, things you will want to learn about.

[amalthia]

Did you take these pictures??? Because seriously they look awesome! and boy do you get around. :)

I think actually under normal circumstances I may actually enjoy this class they actually have a section later that goes into detail about the Patriot Act and what it means for libraries and I LOVE that kind of discussion.

I just have to be patient and take it one day at a time and I realized that failing this class isn't the end of the world. People are quite successful in life without graduate degrees and my friends and family will still like me even if grad school does not work out. Strangely, this reminder helps me relax and I feel like I can concentrate better.

I'm thinking of finding an indoor tennis court and practicing tennis again. It's still my favorite sport but I haven't played in years. I looked into the Wii but wasn't feeling it and I don't have enough space for Dance Dance Revolution in the living room. (plus I have mental images of my cats chewing on the cords...)

[daybright.livejournal.com]

please get some help, it is a big relive to take that step, I speak from experience.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

amothea, I had no idea that you were having suicidal ideation. You have to go to a doctor for that. Yes, sleep, yes, kitties, and yes, school's not that big a deal when your health is at stake. I've been there. It's not a hole you can talk your way out of. It's doctor time. Please.

[amalthia]

Finding a doctor is on my to-do list after setting up interview with a librarian. Sometimes it feels easier to take care of other people/pets than it is to take care of myself. I finally got tiger and grey to the vet though to be fair I didn't have to deal with finding out if doctor is within insurance coverage?

I've also been hiding my thoughts from you and my other friend because I kept thinking things would get better mentally. And I have made some positive steps like joining the Go Club. And I don't always feel like life isn't worth living it's just it hits me sometimes and I have to really struggle to remind myself that I would be missed and things will get better. That and in my darker moments I worry for the cats in tom's care. Not sure he'd groom them, or clean their litter as frequently as I do, or take them to get their shots. So it's not all dire yet.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know how that is. It seems like it's a "mood" and it'll go away, but it really just damps down for a bit and then comes back. But you figure if it went away for a little bit then soon it'll dissipate for good.

Well, WG made me go to a doctor even though my ideation was periodic and didn't seem all that bad to me.

Whoa. Turns out it was a good thing we went. In my case my hormones were completely out of whack from the pill and it would have gone on indefinitely because the problem was physical not emotional. The emotions were just a symptom of the physical issue. I was swallowing the little pill that caused it every day.

If it's SADs, it's a physical issue. The doctor will be able to tell you.

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

WG grew quiet and soft-eyed when I told him. He's concerned and says, "I wish we could get on a plane and go see her."

[amalthia]

man, I wish I could get on a plane and go visit you both. hugs.

[varkelton]

You've already gotten lots of good advice, sweetie - just wanted to add that we care lots about you! Lemme know if there's anything I can do to help! {[(HUGS)]}

[amalthia]

hugs back and thanks.

[se-parsons.livejournal.com]

Believe me when I say that I felt the same way about school when I was finishing my MBA last year. But I'm graduated now and it was worth it. That is a sample of one, though.

I have put the full-spectrum lights in my house and it does seem to help somewhat with the seasonal blahs, so it probably can't hurt.

But everyone giving you the advice to talk to someone is right.

I hope you feel better soon.

[amalthia]

actually hearing from someone that isn't family or BFF about grad school being worth it kind of helps. I just have to not lose sight of the goal.

And of course pick up this full spectrum light. I'm desperate I'll try it.

Hugs and thanks for the support.

[se-parsons.livejournal.com]

I just hate to hear that you're feeling bad.

[amalthia]

I'm feeling much better today. I'm trying very hard to stick to my plan of going to bed early, exercising, and taking my vitamins.

I also hate hearing when my friends are unhappy and there's nothing I can do for them. Truly, the hugs and support helped. It reminded me in a big way that I still have friends and people that care in my life. I didn't think I'd be this homesick for Texas this soon. (though I think I miss my friends more than the humidity of Houston)

[umino-gaara.livejournal.com]

I'm a bit of a lurker so I don't post much. But thoughts of suicide are very serious.

This link might help:
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/alaska.html

Also mental health is usually seperate from physical health in relation to how the insurance is handled (i.e. you usually don't need to see your general doctor to get permission to see a therapist). Give your insurance member number a call and they will direct you to what you need to see a therapist.

The biggist thing: "Do Not Wait".

[amalthia]

thanks for the link and I'm going to try and get extra help.